Monday, May 7, 2007

She's Not Spiderman

Or Spiderwoman, as the case may be. See, she almost wrecked the car—again.

This seems to be a problem for Sandy. Luckily, no one was in the lanes (plural) next to her when she started swerving around screaming like an idiot. She truly has a problem with spiders, especially when they’re the size of mice and running across the sun visors in the cabin of the car while she’s trying to drive. The good news is she had the presence of mind to use a turn signal, pull into the far turn lane, pile out of the car, and do her little spider dance in the median where many people saw her and stopped to help.

Oddly enough, there weren’t any police officers around to help her today…But there was a wonderful lady with her son, Conner, who stopped to help block traffic (because Sandy just stopped the car there in the middle of the lane).

Anyway, the spider went up under the console of the car and she had to drive to Walgreens to get bug spray to deal with it. I’m pleased to announce that the people in this society will stop to assist a woman screaming in a drug store parking lot. I’m not so pleased to announce that she’s nursing a migraine over the ordeal. She had to take a nap. A nap. Let me reiterate that. The woman was so distraught over a simple spider…oh…here she is. I’m being censored now.

Sigh. Let me re-explain that the spider was the size of a mouse and moved very quickly. And let me further explain that two of the full-grown men who stopped to assist her in the parking lot while she chased said spider around the cabin of the car stated that they were also afraid and informed her that wolf spiders bite. So she had an extended period of time this afternoon during which her blood pressure and adrenaline system were elevated and operating in fight-or-flight mode. And then she had to drive 30 minutes home with what she “hoped” was a dead wolf spider under the driver’s seat because that’s the last place it darted, coated with Raid, and from which it never emerged.

To be honest, I truly felt sorry for her. She’s terrified of these things. I’ve never seen anyone move so fast, while screaming, as she did when it dropped from the console to the floor mat by her foot (You might start wearing less-sexy footwear, hunh? Something that covers your feet, maybe?). She literally bolted over the gear shift, over the grocery bag in the passenger seat and out the passenger door in under two seconds. I think this may have been the episode that drew everyone’s attention in the parking lot…

When she got home, she rolled all the windows back up on the car in an effort to suffocate the beast and sent her ‘significant other’ out to search for the body when he returned from his trip to the Midwest. He failed to return with a corpse, so she’s distraught again, worrying about her drive to work in the morning. I wish I had one of the carriages from home but I can guarantee that would take a very long time…

Oh for pity’s sake. I’m being asked to share a spider fact with you all. Did you know that spiders can hold their breath? That’s why having an exterminator bomb your house…what!? Oh…bug bomb? Having an exterminator bug bomb your house is useless for killing spiders because the demons (demons?) will merely hold their breath until the poison danger passes. (One of the gentlemen who stopped to help her suggested she get a bug bomb in addition to the can of Raid and bomb the car, and she thanked him for his advice, but she didn’t waste her time and money to set off something that would, no doubt, damage her central nervous system.) Know thy enemy.

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